the ballerina in limbo

I am another person
I don't even know who I am anymore
for now this suits me
My life changed completely for now I have a real reason to live
I have the most magical baby
and it brings me immense joy
he is all for me
still my thoughts and my heart keep going back once in a while
I still carry the same need for being love
I still feel there is something missing
maybe I expect too much
or I am not worth it of love at all
I live in a dark dark world
where my light is not enough to lit up all around me
Magic kid and I are joy, love, happiness and hopes
but all around us is darkness and anger
unexplainable anger
that are thrown at us for no reason almost daily
we try to make things easy
but nothing ever seem enough
I don't know if I can handle this for too long
for now I am stuck in this reality that is not mine, but that suits me well enough
along the years I'd learned to hurt less, to feel less and be more rational
however my heart is not dead
and I feel
still miss
miss the feeling of being loved
when maybe I have never really felt it for real
and I have just an idea of what it would be to be really loved
and my thoughts go back to all that could have been
to lives such as mine that follow their own path
and found happiness and love
it comes to mind that I am not worth that love, then, but someone else, for whom it was given to
I am still here
waiting for my chance
and always falling on traps
why can't I be worth it?
Am I that rotten?
Am I just so insignificant that no one ever thought I could mean more?
why I have always the feeling I am being used and discarded
worthless, unconsidered
Always alone
surrounded by loneliness
this time at least
I have my magic with me
who gives me strengh to go on
and the certainty I am not on this path alone anymore
for his light will give me strengh to leave this darkeness one day
I am tired of trying
exhausted of spending my whole life searching and begging for love
I know someday love will find me
because even if I feel I am not worth it
I know I deserve it
however I will search no more