I used to believe and it was a lie

I try to make sense of things
I look around, close my eyes, feel the breeze and it is all soothing.
Still, things keep to insist in not make any sense at all.
It all begins from the moment I open my eyes and you are not here and, then, I remember you have never been
The sensation that fills my whole self is that it is all an illusion from which I will never be able to heal
I became a painful numbness being unable to erase the past, locked to the world, distrustful of love
It is all a lie, it has always been
But I blinded myself to it
and now I cannot erase what it was
If only I could have chosen to say no
The night you touched my hands
If only I could have closed my eyes the night I looked right into yours and saw so deep into your soul and inhaled your essence
If only I had the strength to say no more
Here I am,  locked in the emptiness of lonely memories
If only I could just close my eyes forever to have the peace of not longing you anymore
But even then when I close my eyes I see yours