What's next now

I really don't know why all this much is going on in my life.
I just think it's time to move on.
I have to change the path, the way of thinking, my drive, about all aspects.
I'm tired.
And for a year or so everything that I thought I was starting to build little by little just fell apart.
Nothing actually worked out, not the way I expected, or in any other way.
Just turn arounds in all aspects.
Well, if everything is going wrong, there might be something I am doing wrong.
And it has to change.
Just don't know where to start over, or how...but I need to figure this out.
Maybe I take things too much seriously, I believe too much in people, expecting that I get back what I give, in love, in work, but maybe that's not how this world works.
Life has been adding bitterness into my heart and with that maybe I'll learn to be stronger, to care less, to use the reason more than the heart.
Maybe this way I won't scare people out of my life and won't embrace lost causes, when you just have to play the game and go with the flow.
Maybe I've been expecting too much of life and it's time to expect nothing at all, just live day by day and take what it comes from it. Just accept defeat and don't struggle too much to try to make things right and your hands are tied and the wheigh of things is to heavy to carry all along the way by myself. I think that's how life works in the end and we always have to learn the hard way.
So why paint a picture that does not exist and struggle to try to make people also believe in it. Each one of us paint their own pictures.

Só queria te ver mais uma vez

Quando a saudade aperta, a gente sabe que é de verdade.
Os dias passam e a saudade continua.
O tempo passa e ela continua ali, dentro de você, fazendo lembrar o que não existe.
Aí, você olha em volta e dá um vazio, um aperto no coração e uma vontade grande de olhar nos olhos e, sem palavras, dizer o que fica aqui guardado.
Aquela vontade de um abraço apertado, de um carinho, um beijo.
Sinto uma saudade quase que eterna e isso me faz sentir viva.

It was just a dream

I don't know if it was because of the beautiful story I just had watched, maybe the songs that were playing while I fell asleep, but last night I dreamt of him. I was at home and got surprised by a message from a unknown number saying "look through your window", and as I looked outside there he was smiling. I ran all the way down to jump onto to his arms. But since it was a dream, it was my building, my house, my street, but it was Lisbon. That feeling, right there was overwhelming, a moment of dreams coming true, nevertheless it was just a dream and as perfect as it sounded, I had to wake up. Now I miss him even more, as if I actually had seen him in my dream, it was so real, that waking up felt like a nightmare.
Las night I dreamt of him and that's all I have left.

Hurtful lies and deceiving truth...contempt...owww, that's how cowards call love nowadays

I believe
Even when people are doubting
I might be the biggest believer ever
'Cause when I see true love
It feels like a shame to see it goes to waste...
People try to commit
And they don't have any idea of what this cost...a lot of effort...
Love and only love won't take you anywhere if there's no cumplicity...
And people think falling in love will solve all their lives...
Well, no no no
There's a long road between love and making it work
Oh life
I almost laugh from all the stories I hear and all that I went through
Noooo
Love and only love
Is perfect on tales, but it won't take you anywhere
It's all a matter of being true to yourself and to the loved one, even when the harsh words are the best to say, if there's honesty...
But somehow people preffer to live in lies...how shallow
And they don't tell the truth afraid to hurt the other, when hidding the truth is doing so much harm...but, at least -they think - they're kepping it safe...such a scam
Cowards, that's how I call
Because instead of facing the truth
They would rather pretend things are all fine
They hide in lies
Never thinking that those lies that protect them are the same that crushes some other people's heart for believing or for make believe all the things that are not true...
Why cannot people just be true to each other
It's sad
But I've seen so many beautiful things going away for not being true
It's sad
We have to believe in love
For it's all we have as a purpose in this world
When people keep thinking quantity is better than quality
And that's how society is becoming shallow, cold...a sad place to live...
I will not surrender and I will fight for all the loves I belive inside and among me, because what matters is to see everyone around me happy
For my happiness I lost in a hard sad fight to the one I loved...but for whom I could never feel any closer...
Shallow hearts, those that treat people as dispposable...they promise you the world, when all they have is emptyness and lies...so sad...when you belive it's true...you feel you've been fooled for such cowardness, when all you needed was an arm to hold you dearly...scammers, lies...all the ones who trully believe in love one day will fall for the beautiful lies...when they're only lies we believe for nothing...
"Wait for me..."
All faces
All gestures
Well, all fake acting
Scammers
Sad
That I once believed
No matter how close or how far
There's always cowards breaking someone else's heart
I will keep believing in love
Just won't believe words anymore, if not followed by coherent actions to reinforce the words are true
For I am tired of maybes and who knows
I do love
And if someone loves me just have to say it so and act in accordance
And if he doesn't love me just say it so and let me go
Or if it's not sure, well it does not love, so be true and just let me go as well
And tell me a real goodbye...
Because I believe, I hope and wait...feeling it's such a waste
Because I was as used as I believed in the lies that kept me having faith for the one I love...even if it was all lies, I got back from it.

Little by little

One step at a time
And I am letting go
Thinking it over
Going back on memories
It is all here still
But with a different purpose
No more hopes or expectations
Just living day by day, trying to overcome the reality of something that I will never be able to truly live
As sad as it might seems, is just the things we have to leave behind in order to move on
And little by little I am teaching myself to get over a love
And as I think it all over, I don't feel I will ever go through this again, to give my heart in a worthless story, even though it was worth. For all the greatest memories, the pain was just proportional to the feelings I grew within.
So I hope one day to keep a smile on my face whenever those memories come to mind, not with a broken heart, but with a nostalgic sensation that, right there, I had found true love and happiness.

Vô e vó

I saw that one picture and it made me cry...it was the last register of our family happiness...I could go back to that day...and it was perfect...
Now everyone is missing, most of them are gone...it was just one day registered for forever...but that keeps me making me cry...I lost all I loved the most...grandma and granpa...miss you everyday....

A scent of you

The simple act of opening a bottle of you. That's what I do when all the missing is overflowing.
I close my eyes and your scent makes me feel closer, it lingers in my memory for a while and it feels so good, like reconnecting to you once again.
I feel as if I am lying down next to you and my body all follows the yearn and burn to have you, but when I reach out it is all emptyness.
Before, I used to try to get rid of these feelings on some entertainment, in some meaningless fun, although it never worked out, because as I closed my eyes there was you in my thoughts.
Now I go through your pictures trying to find what I missed.
Going over our best moments together I can just feel the intensity of what once was.
Sometimes it makes me feel like this sick person unable to overcome the past, sometimes I just let go to what is left and keep burning it little by little until one day it will be gone.
I try to hide this bottle of you, albeit I can't, for it is the only thing I have left from you.
I wonder why we never took pictures together, I was always too shy to ask, and you didn't seem to mind. I wish I had more registered moments of us, but there are only a few, from a time and a place that now just seems so long ago.
I found you wandering in the night and I thought it would be for good. However life has always something hidden and turns everything upside down.
I need my bottle of you so I can be sure this once was true.
So I can believe that what still lives in me is more than illusions.

Too much

Why do I have this need to explain myself too much about where I came from, when I don't have the need to tell anyone why I am here today?
I had my path and it does explain a lot of who I am, but sometimes I feel [in some wrong way] that I have to explain why. When actually I am who I am, and don't have to feel sorry for that, neither explain why...
No matter if my life was half easy, half hard...it was all a big mess and made me who I am today...so I wonder why I find myself always feeling guity of all the chances I had...
When I know, in the middle there were more struggle than easy ways...so why do I feel guilty for that...
I definetely souldn't

All a simple matter of being loved

Thinking about it all I just figured that what keeps me restless is the need to be loved.
To have that one person who cares about you, think about you and who wants to know what's going on in your life for the good and the bad. I just need to be hugged, kissed and have a shoulder where I could put my head and rest, but all I have are my bare hands.
So I concluded why I've been giving myself so much to something that is not even real. I give what I like to receive, however feelings are not immediately reciprocal. If I love that doesn't mean I'll be loved back. As hard as it comes to light, this true fact is as simple as it can be, instead of this never ending maze I put myself in with no way out. The only exit is to give up and go back from where I started.
Love will always be love, even if you don't get anything in return.
Therefore I breath deeply and try once again to wash away what remains.
To cut that strong bond that keeps me attached so deeply into some idea that doesn't even sound real anymore.
But I feel bold for having the strength to hold this for so long, keeping hopes up even when there was nothing to reach out for and for never hiding what I feel. At least I gave what I have in any way I could, for love when is felt it's meant to be shared, even though sometimes it causes pain and bruises, but the best of it, love heals it all. I never meant to do any wrong, but sometimes it all goes as not expected. Not everything is perfect, why would why, I tried not to make mistakes, and in the end, looking from far all I can see is that everything I did was so wrong. I showed my worst, when I have so many good sides to share. It doesn't matter anymore, we are our attitudes and I regret them all.

O ruído silencioso

E então, o que já se aquietava voltava a inquietar e tirar a calma, à espera.
Uma necessidade sem fim de viver uma história que passou.
Os dias voltaram a ser longos e as noites de vazios e silêncios incompletos.
Não quero mais esperar o inesperado, sonho esse que serei um dia arrebatada em surpresa pelo reencontro.
Não há mais forças, nem esperanças, só o silêncio e o anseio em ouvir uma voz, olhar nos olhos, sentir o toque.
Foi só uma palavra e tudo voltou, apenas para provar que dentro de mim nada mudou.
E a cada mensagem que recebo o coração bate forte, na crença de ser algum rastro de presença em minha vida daquele pedaço que me falta.
Já nem sei mais o que é isso, na verdade, só compreendo que ainda sinto, pois é presença constante toda essa ausência, que sempre será assim, até que por fim volte a se esconder dentro de mim.

In the middle of the way

How far would you go for love?
What to do when you have nothing to loose?
Why life sometimes sounds so scary?
When it got to the point I could be closer, I started to question everything.
I don't think is worth it to take the wrong path to get me to where I want to be.
I would rather do the right thing, but then how would I know what is right or wrong...who actually knows?
When you feel safe and sheltered it is hard to move...for the first time fear paralized me...
I have to trust my instincts and do what I feel it's right.
I had the most stupid idea and now I want to take it back.

give me a reason

dearest of all my life,
yes, I avoid to tell you how I feel
and I do it all the time
sometimes I go wrong and tell you somethings
I should be telling only myself
and I mess up everything
but you know what feels wrong
in some beautiful days like this
when everything is perfect is you that I miss all along
because I have everything that I want in my life
but you
for me you are everything I ever wanted
nothing else don`t make a difference

All I did was wrong

Sometimes we have to admit mistakes and move over
Stop expecting and quit day dreaming
I am as clumsly with my words as with my feelings
I never meant to hurt anyone
My intensity is always putting everything to loose
I lost my love for all the wrong I've done
I for that I lost myself
Why can't I just love in silence
Why can't I just stay in the shadows
And hold it all to me so I won't hurt anyone
Just want to freed me from all this heavy wheight
A desperation to be loved
That ends up suffocating the loved one
And sending him farther and farther away
I just did it all wrong from the start
I lost my mind and with that my heart
There's probably a reason for that
And I believe is life teaching me not to take the wrong attitudes all over again
I just cannot blame someone for not loving me
I cannot blame no one else but me if I just don't have what I need
Like a stupid child I messed up my love
And don't know how to fix it
Don't even think there's a way to fix what I already broke
That is a guilt I will always carry
I am the only one to blame
Wish I could say I am sorry for everything I did to hurt him
If I could have the chance to turn back in time
I would do it all differently
I would make him love me more or at least keep what was there
Instead of loosing everything I had
I lost my whole world

Just as hollow as my heart

I've got to a point where I believe I've been holding on in to something that I created just to protect me
I've been questioning if this is true
Or if I am feeling all this because I know it will never happen
So it's safe to believe it's true when in fact all is just a hollow reflection of an unlived story
Something there is not and will never be
I want it to leave me and at the same time I hold to these so tight that it cannot leave me
As if that's all I have left from my truly self
A picture of what it could have been
Just scenes I created in my mind
But that actually might never be real
Reality could be a lot different
But in my heart it's all written
And is all fiction
I won't hold to this anymore
And as hard as it might sound
I'll try this time to open this cage and let it go
So love is meant to be free
And as everything in life is also bound to end
I feel sorry for the mess I created
Even though I don't regret a thing
Or maybe I do regret
The day I started it all
And the moment I began to believe
All the rest was part of it
And is all intertwined in the lost time, in what it was, in what is left, on the nothing it became

What is next

That constant feeling that something is about to happen
And on the past times things in fact changed
No matter what it is I just hope good things are coming
The feeling of peace is filling up my life for the first time in a long time
And I am open to this and wharever is in my path
I'm lighting up my path with love
And for that I know I'll have the wisdom to choose the better way towards happines
I feel like taking the right steps even though I don't know yet where they will take me to

Blue is the warmest colour

Today my heart woke up in blue
In the yearn to kiss him
Is a dream out of my reach
That I gave up to dream
I wish I never had changed my way
That night I first saw him
None of this would ever had happened
But out of nothing something dragged me to that place
To this story with sad ending
Made out of so many happy moments
And a love so true
That is hard to believe I ever could

We the people

We the people walk all through this life all alone
We share some steps, but most of it is a path we take our own
We go our own ways to see life from another perspective, to understand who we really are and who are those we wanna keep by ourside
We are challenged each and every second to prove the reason of life
Some believe it's love, others think is success, or power, money, hedonysm
We are just human trying to figure life
That's the whole reason we are here
To find a way and go all the way through it
Changing paths, getting new tastes, new beliefs
When there's only one answer to all effort
And it is love

Train Thoughts

I fell asleep thinking of you
I just got used to the fact that I will always miss you
And sometimes for a little while I forget about you
But most of my days are filled with your absence from my life
And I wonder how are you doing
If you ever think of me or miss me
And here I am
It feels like I can see you through a glass, so close, but out of my reach
Our lives went separate ways, unfortunately
Although no matter where I am there you are in my thoughts
Wish life could be easier and at this moment we could be here in this train
Sitting next to each other and I could see your smile
I would jump onto your neck and kiss you
While you are still here, in my heart, I walk with you
No matter how hopeless I am
I love from far
And that will be my secret
Lost in space and time
Forever

At the airport

And at this exact moment I am free to do anything I want, I have so many paths to go, but still stuck in the middle without knowing which way to go
At least I took a first step and here I am between worlds
Waiting for the unknown
No worries with tomorrow, with the hours, just living the now
And waiting at an airport becomes nothing to worry about
When you get all the time in the world
Who am I gonna be from now on?
Which way am I going to choose?
Where it will lead me?
I don't know but I'll go anyway
I'll follow my heart
'Cause home is where the heart is