Wandering heart

As I catch myself doing unstoppable, unthinkable think of a lost love, I jumped to the conclusion that now we are just strangers
Not a single string of contact, nor any motivation to relate, and I wonder how he's doing...
Hope life is doing fine for him.
It's some awkward situation to love a stranger, but still, the feelings are all there no questions whatsoever.
I didn't ask for it, but it grew on me anyway
I try not to listen anymore, I pretend I can't hear, such a liar trying to fool myself for nothing.
Nevertheless, it's been living out of my strengh all along.
And it breaths my air and it burns my heart and it touched my soul
At the same time it's right inside me, is just some shattered memories of illusions
What it was once this perfect dream

The new me

Loosing so many loved ones, in a short time, changed me so much
I think we are never prepared for this
And it makes you bitter up a bit
It is as if part of me was gone with each one of them
It's some emptiness that feels like it will never be filled up again
It's the fear that comes with the lost, that you cannot bear all this ever again, but that you know it will be part of life
Then I got lost a little bit
And there's this loneliness and the weakness that I cannot control life
Things happen and we just cannot change
I miss all of them so much
And I wish I could go back in time
Or to get the chance to see them again one more time
For a last hug, a last kiss, a last petting,  proper good-bye
And to say I love them
Life is being kind of hard with me lately
So many lessons
So much pain and loneliness
It's weird to see how life could change its paths in so many ways so quickly
And how I just got lost in all of this
So many aspects of my life it was all from the safety and comfort upside down to insecurities, uncertainties, fear
I just hope it won't be like that and things will get better
Time heals and I have to move forward
I know I'm not the same anymore
It all changed me a lot
I feel I lost some childish innocence about life, I lost some joy I always carried with me and I don't know if it will ever come back, after being so hurt by life
I hope for better times and wish, truly wish, I can gather the strength to overcome all this
And to once again find happiness
I might be lost and broken
I'm now a little afraid of things
Because I fear the pain
I might have been feeling lonely and lost
But I will fight to find my way through it
'Cause that's what I've been doing all my life
And I will come out stronger because it was a battle I struggled on my own
With not even a friendly hand to help out
In times like these we end up learning you are all alone and how selfish people might be
I was always there for everyone and when I needed them the most, they're all too busy with their own lives to care about me or my problems
No friends no family just me
That's one thing I finally figured I never found someone who cared about me as much as I do for everyone else
So many lessons learned
But life goes on
And one thing I know for sure
I'll find my way
I don't loose hope

The fake plastic trees

I never asked for anything
Never made any demands
All I tried to do was to reach him
Called for his love
Maybe instead of calling I was yelling
But that's all I have
And there's no way to reach someone who makes themselves unavailable
Maybe I was too blind to see there was nothing to reach for
I never expected anything but to have the chance to make him happy
And in the yearn to have it all
It slipped from my hands
I'm not even sure if it was all to waste
But one thing I know for sure
It was unique
And I might never feel like this again
'Cause it was never like anything else before
"...If I could be who you wanted, all the time..."

Awakening

It's time to start over
A moment to gather all the strengh and  fly away
Leaving all that's left buried in the depths of the soul
'Cause that's what makes who we are, all that was lived once
Life has always its ways of showing the right path
Forgivness is one of the ways
As well as letting go of everything
Undress from all the layers to be free from the wheight carried on for so long
The naked true self
To flap wings and fly away
To chase new adventures
See life in new eyes
With new colours
And different shades
Keep the memories as references
Dress up in joy
Spread happiness all around
Make life the most of it
Love and never be a coward to feel again
Become a part of yourself again
Let's live again with no regrets
And the certainty that everything is part of life's lesson
It might not be perfect all the time
But we need to make our own emends and give our best always
Now, open your eyes and see the little wonderful moments as miracles of the nature
The whole universe is working for the same purpose
Evolution
And it starts inside of us

O erro está nas palavras

As palavras são desnecessárias quando se quer dizer o que sente
E muitas vezes elas se tranformam em desentendimento
O que as vezes era para ser um consolo transforma-se em desespero
Muitas vezes o que deveria ser um gesto de amor, entende-se por raiva
As palavras tem dessas coisas quando faltam os gestos, o som da voz, a presença
Contudo, o sentir não pode ser escravo das palavras, porque é abstrato, expressa-se através de gestos, atos e atitudes
Um olhar, um sorriso, um toque valem mais que mil palavras
E toda a ausência desse viver destroi em palavras o que deveria ser vivido e não narrado
A vida só faz sentido quando se compartilha
E em palavras nada se divide
São apenas desencontros
E em desencontros morri de amor
E matei o encanto
Ao falar na dor, o que vale muito menos do que o pouco que se viveu
Por questionar demais e esperar demais e oferecer demais o que já nasceu para ser só distância

The whole existence

All I ever wanted was to touch and reach his heart
But clumsy as I am I did everything wrong
All I've done was to make him go away
When I needed him closer to me even if in words
I lost so many loved ones lately that the last thing I needed was to loose the one that came into my life and changed it all upside down
Pondering about the past and what I lived before I was searching for an answer, a reason why I got so attached to him
And doubting myself and my feelings
I went deep inside to figure out a motive for all this
And all I could find is that there's no reason
It is all completely different from the start
He just grew on me like as if it was part of myself
A piece of me that was asleep
Waiting to blossom and that I had to cherish with my whole
Something I never had experienced so far
Until he showed up out of nothing
I made sense to my whole being
And the craziest thing about all this and that I could never be able to explain or share
Is that from the first look I knew
From the first time he touched my hand in the air I knew
It was meant to be
Then life has always challenges and lessons
That sometimes we just don't understand
Therefore we finally understand that love is not meant to be for two
And maybe what life is trying to teach me
Is that I have to go through this to understand that love is not enough
That reason must be above it all
What a waste to live then
What a cold place it is the existence
If you cannot live to the most the most simple and pure things
If everything is a game, a lesson, a challenge
We might as well be born without any feelings whatsoever
If the only thing life teach us is to be colder and colder
And to stop believing in what the senses tell all over
Life as it is nowadays is transforming people in cold hearted robots
And the simple things are each and everytime becoming worthless
Such a poor existence
An unfair view of the joy of life
Which in its whole meaning were supposed to be about sharing and finding
Not today though
In these days is all about loosing the meanings and becoming selfish and bitter individuals
I've come all this way in a path full of hard work and obstacles to find out that what I went through was the easiest part
And no money, no career, not doing your part in society will mean anything if you don't ever have someone to share
If you don't have love
If in the end of the day is just one more empty day if you don't have someone to share, to trust, to take care of, someone who ask about your day, someone who cares
The whole meaning of life is not to walk alone, but to have someone to share the path, the wrongs and rights
Well, that's what I thought about life
Until it taught me it was the opposite
The whole path
We just walk alone
All along
We might have people we cross on our way
But each and everyone goes its own way
What a sad world
So many paths
So many lifes
And so much loneliness
I don't belong here

Searching for broken pieces of what I once was

Why is everything so complicated?
Why can't I just overcome this and walk away?
Sometimes I wish things could be different and that I didn't have all these feelings boiling within
Lately I am not what I used to be
There's somenthing missing
I cannot bear anyone else but me
And close my eyes and sleep
As a getaway to forget
And then I dream of him
So there's no scape
Just the burden of living the day by day
Hope I'll find myself again

She's a runnaway

And then you find yourself waiting for something that you don't even know what it is
It might be that you are waiting for an answer, or that something unexpected might happen, or you are just waiting for all this to go away.
But is just this sensation that something is about to happen and you just don't know what it has to be done
So it all paralyzes you
You just don't wanna take the next step
'Cause it might be too much, or it might go wrong.
The  you get scared that actually you might be waiting for nothing at all
You are just afraid of the new, of what's going to happen then
And then you hide inside you
You avoid the world
And just wait to runnaway all alone
To a place where you are just a stranger

The sunset nostalgy

And then it all came back
The touch, the smell, that feeling, the gaze, the small details like pieces of a puzzle unable to be set up
The sunset and the nice quiet breeze brought all that back
The skin so sensitive, the heartbeat, the taste and the music surrounding the moments
The joy pouring free from bottles of liberty, allowing the truth to come out
And it was all there
In every single detail
In each and every second
The most pure freedom
Lost and caged in memories
That can never be changed

I can still fly with broken wings

And what the sky keeps telling me
Is that I'm here to learn a lesson
Challanges, obstacles, keep moving me forward
Life might not be as easy as I wish it could be
However is not so hard that I cannot handle the wheight I've been carrying
I think is a matter of taking smaller steps and slowing down the pace
I have this tendency to be always running against time
And for what
I try to runnaway from myself
Fom my feelings
From my fears
Even though they are still here within
And I am the only one who can change things
The feeling of being all alone in this world is not the most cheerful one
But sometimes it works to figure who I really am, what I want for life from this point
Learn about my needs
Just lay down in the dark, silent
Not even bothering about what's going on outside these walls
Just searching within what I have lost
My pride, a love, my broken heart not easy to put together, the yearn to live
The world outside is selfish and run over you
People don't care anymore about the little things, they are just worried to keep living their own lives without getting messed up
People live afraid of life
Scared of feelings
Society is getting numb
Life is getting dull and shallow
Sometimes I wonder if still there are reasons to keep going
If I could I would just hide from all of this
But so I would be just like anyone else
And one thing nobody will ever steal from me is my hope
My faith in doing the right things, in being real and telling the truth
My feelings are all I have
My nemories are all that is left
So I might as well wrap it all up
And keep moving forward
Believing someday
Maybe
I will find my answer
By now
I'll be trying to pick up the shattered pieces of what is left
Doing this huge effort to not look back
To not regret
To keep me silent
Keeping me away from my own feelings
Trying to cage all this love inside
When there's no one able to set it free

Song For Zula - Phosphorescent

Song For Zula

Some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love. You see, it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing
See, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”
I will not open myself up this way again
Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, nor see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledge by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”
I will not open myself up this way again
You see, the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold, clean light
My feet are gold. My heart is white
And we race out on the desert plains all night
See, honey, I am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold. My feet are light
And I am racing out on the desert plains all night
So some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer come to call from some awful dream
O and all you folks, you come to see
You just stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild. And my bones are steam
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free

He loves me not

and in a few days
i'll be so close to you
but still so far apart
you gave up on me
i always tried
I'll be always close
no matter how far
but you might as well protect yourself
I just don't know what to do
my wish is to be with you
but there's no more trying
when two hearts don't beat on the same pace
and only one hour will separate us
i'll be there
you will be somewhere
and once more
nothing could bring us together
what a waste

There might be days

There is love and passion
And I had the task to discover if I loved you for real or if it was just the passionate fire of a fling
I had to put some thought on it
But it didn't take me long
To be sure that what you bring to my heart is love
With no doubts and questions
I always knew
Because you are more than just the flame, which is still burning my soul, you are someone I care and cherish dearly no matter what
And I need to know about you
And I care if you are happy
Even if it's not with me
And if I could I would do anything to bring you joy and make all your dreams come true
And perhaps all this love is just too much
I don't even know where it comes from
I just know that I feel it
But what makes it special at the same time might looks somehow unconventional
Something really strange
But then there's nothing wrong is just love
And you just have to feel it
Even if it comes with a bit of sadness within
Cause that's how love is
The true feeling you have for someone you just don't own it
And that's the secret and real truth: when you love you set it free
Your heart tells to the world
Because when you really love
You will never be able to unlove
No matter what
And that's how when I was asked about how I really felt about you
I could say securely
With no doubts
That I know where you belong
And that I might not ever see you or talk to you again
And after a while I might not even think about you everyday
But one thing I know for sure
No matter what
Days can pass by
Years might be gone
and I will always wonder
How this could have been
And wish you found your way
And memories will come to me as dearly as the days we shared
But there will always be some regret
For never giving a chance to let me show you

Washing away memories

No matter how hard I try
You are here
In me
And the hardest I try to forget
The more I think of you
And memories start to come
Like a movie in my head
And the one night I fell in love with you
Looking deep into your eyes
And we were free
At ease
Just hugging each other
With no idea of what could happen next
And from that night
You never left my heart
If only I could turn back in time
Just to live that once again
It was so pure and real
It was just us
Why it can't be like that anymore
I'm not ready to let you go
I wonder if I ever will
I only have one wish
And its you
Eventhough I have no more hopes it will ever come true
While there's love there's hope
But there's on part missing
In all of this
The true fact you don't love me
So what is lefr for me is to give time some time and cry over those memories to wash them away little by little
Each teardrop erasing a story unwritten